uncertain_dume | MCA #3, Wednesday Afternoon

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MCA #3, Wednesday Afternoon

So... it was finally Kanan's turn to inherit the singing monstrosity. Which was almost fitting, in away. After all, he'd 'won' the thing by singing. Monstrously.

Kanan's time with the fish started, probably predictably, with a round of The Song That Doesn't End blaring directly into his mind, followed by a small fireworks display and a sudden vomit of glitter and confetti.

It had gotten worse from there.

He was looking slightly irritated by the time he made it to the door of his apartment, with the fish screaming Sabotage and stinking like pumpkin spice from under one armpit. He'd tried shutting it up by smashing it against a brick wall on the way - a move he'd never admit to - and the fish had healed from the damage.

So. Day one of his week with the fish had officially begun.

He could already hear his dog crying on the other side of the door.

[OOC: OPEN. COME VISIT. WHAT A FISH.]

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"And do I get to be the one who decides when I stop needing them?"

Kanan doubted it.

"As long as you're honest about it, yes," Kaidan agreed, just watching him.

"I mean," Kanan replied, looking back at him, "I'm still of the opinion that I'm doing about as well as I can be."

Honest.

"Kanan, you're not doing anything wrong," Kaidan explained gently, "You're absolutely doing the best you can with the coping skills you have. The ones you built. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, but sometimes - sometimes you still need a wrench. I'm trying to help you add to the toolbox."

Kanan was quiet for a few more moments.

"Don't suppose you have a decent hydrospanner in there?"

You use your toolbox, Kanan would use his.

Kaidan looked at him, "I don't know what that is, but if it's what you need, I will help you find one. If we can't find one, I will help you build one."

Hey, man, you asked how families do.

Kanan sighed a little, but nodded all the same.

His eyes were dry again, at least...

"Okay," he replied. "I appreciate that."

He had no damn clue if that was the right reply, or if he was just inviting more of... this... or what.

"Do you feel better or worse right now," Kaidan asked, watching him.

Kanan stood there for a long moment in silence.

"I feel... a lot right now," he said, finally. "I'm not completely certain if it's one or the other."

Especially now that the concept of 'dead Master = mother apparently' had now been introduced to his brain.

"That's better than feeling nothing," Kaidan replied after a minute. "Anything else boiling around in that head of yours that you need a sounding board for? I have time."

It's not like he slept.

Kanan was silent for a long moment again. And then he tilted his chin a bit.

"On Tuesday night," he began. "I didn't want to push so soon afterwards. But what happened back there?"

Kaidan had gone right into 'must protect Kanan's emotions' mode, and Kanan had let him have it, considering his emotions had been doing fairly well.

But... Well.

Kaidan gave him an odd look. He was fine. Everything was fine. Why wouldn't he be fine?

Right.

He took a long breath, let it out in a rush, and asked quietly, "Which part? There were a lot of things happening."

Don't start that one, Kaidan. Kanan would smack you so fast.

"Pick one, and we'll circle around to the rest," he replied, dryly.

Kaidan was definitely not starting that one. He might occasionally be self-delusional, but he wasn't deliberately a hypocrite - and he didn't lie to Kanan.

"We were sparring. You were off for awhile, then you finally found your feet. We were sparring at a standstill, so I decided to make it more of a challenge. I started envisioning people behind me. My job was to keep you from getting to them. It worked pretty well, I was actually giving you enough challenge that I could take steps and hold them."

Air hissed with the sharpness of his inhale, "So there I am, in full recall mode, where I've convinced my brain that the people behind me will die if I fail to hold the line.. and a loud shrieking noise goes off. I didn't hear an air horn. I heard a Reaper scream."

Kanan nodded slowly. Okay. That explained... a lot of it, actually. The recall thing was fascinating on a different level, but if it was something that Kaidan had done on purpose, then it wasn't something he was going to let himself worry about too hard.

"So you went from a self-induced state of extreme focus," he ventured, "to dealing with a sudden, unexpected threat. And your mind filled in the blank."

"If there's a blank left to be filled, my brain will find the largest potential threat or the worst possible thing, and fill it with that," Kaidan said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"I heard a Reaper scream and I panicked," he stated. His voice was oddly flat when he said it.

Kanan was quiet for a long moment. And then silently reached out to clap a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

"You came back." Which wasn't necessarily the most important point now, but it was worth putting out there. "There are things that will do that to me. All reason stops. Survival mode kicks in hard. It was war." He frowned faintly. "Those are scars."

"I always do," Kaidan said, studying the ground pretty intently, "It's just a matter of how long it takes, and the damage I can do in the meantime. You looked.. not really ok, when I came out of it. Do I want to know what I did?"

Kanan shook his head.

"You didn't do anything," he replied. And then, because that needed clarification, he added, "I was worried for you. When the horn went off, I felt the shift. I knew you didn't come back with the rest of us."

He wasn't sure how to quite go about it, so he paused before adding, "I don't know if anyone else noticed the mist."

"That's unusual," Kaidan noted clinically, examining the concrete step for all he was worth, "When I panic, there's usually no 'flight' option in 'flight or fight' - only fight gets left."

"I don't care if anyone noticed the bleed," he said after a minute, "I don't really want to have that conversation, but it's one I'm used to having." He snorted after a second, "That must've been fun to look at. Sorry."

"Oh, there was no flight," Kanan corrected. "You just came back before 'fight' actually wound up with something happening."

Thank god.

"The bleed doesn't bother me, you know," he added. "It's an interesting visual, but it isn't unpleasant. I'm more worried about where your head is when it shows up. That, I care about."

His shoulders sagged a little in relief. Nothing had happened. Great. Perfect. Look, everything was fine.

"It should bother you," he said quietly, "When the biotics bleed out like that, it means either the biotic is emotionally unstable, or it means the biotic has just pulled in all the dark energy they can handle and someone is about to have a very bad day. Sometimes, both of those at once."

"Tuesday, for all I was panicked, I was in control," he continued after a moment, "I heard the Reaper scream, I amped everything. I don't remember doing it, but I do remember having to let go of it, so I know how much I was holding."

It wasn't an insignificant amount.

"When I'm in that state, I'm nothing more than a weapon. Point and go bang."

"And now I know," Kanan replied.

He frowned a little, and then, with only a faint hint of uncertainty in his voice, added, "If it came to that, I'd handle it."

Or the Force would. It seemed to be better at doing that kind of thing than he was.

Kaidan glanced up briefly, just long enough to meet Kanan's eyes as he said a firm, decisive, "No."

Then he went back to examining the concrete. "If I'm in that state, just.. talk to me. Tell me to stop."

He wasn't sure he wanted to explain this. He was sure Kanan deserved the explanation.

"I'm conditioned to hear certain people. I wondered, when the guy pulled the knife, why I heard you." He threw a shoulder in a small, harsh shrug, "Now I know why. I trust you, and you sound just like Vega. Combine the two and my brain has everything it needs to identify you through the bullshit."

One of the names Kaidan had said before.

Kanan sighed. But he nodded.

"Talking was the first thing I did," he pointed out. "Both times. She trained me primarily in Soresu, Kaidan. Defensive tactics. If I can solve something with words, I will. 'Handling it' would be a last resort only. I'm not going to fight a friend where words will suffice. But I will protect people if a weapon goes off that shouldn't."

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