uncertain_dume | MCA #3, Wednesday Afternoon

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MCA #3, Wednesday Afternoon

Funny thing, Kanan hadn't been by the scrapyard since Saturday. That Saturday. Where he'd been marched there with a death sentence hanging over his head. Which wasn't because he was traumatized by the whole thing. Honest. He was fine. He was completely fine. He'd never been so fine in his whole life.

You could tell he was fine because he kept forcing himself to go out and socialize and do all the things that fine people did! All week so far, even!

...

But today his get up and go had kind of gotten up and went. So he was calling a 'stay home' day. Maybe he'd ask Chop to walk Stance for him. After all, it was finally safe to and the poor pup had been cooped up all summer. He just sort of wanted to hang out in the living room today. Maybe order delivery. See if there was anything good on TV.

Be fine.

[OOC: For she who also lives here, but open for calls/visits!]

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"There's probably a lot she needs," Kanan admitted with a sigh, "but nothing I can put a finger on outside of the Force stuff."

He paused another long moment before adding, "She's got a resistance waiting for her back home."

Hera sighed. "Maybe we can give each other pointers, then." And wasn't that a bit demoralizing - would needing to resist ever stop? "Since I can't help with the Force stuff."

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that I can."

He was in no position to train anybody in the Force.

What was he? A Padawan, and barely that?

He was the one who had run away.

He was the one who had hidden himself away for years.

He still couldn't wear his lightsaber in the open back home.

He might never use his real name again.

What the hell was he?

"Better than nothing, I guess."

"You are definitely better than nothing," Hera said. "You can give her a solid grounding, if nothing else. Be there for her. That's the most important part."

"Sounds a little as though up until she came back here, the people she reached out to for help were willing to offer just about nothing," Kanan sighed. And then winced faintly. "I don't know if I'm cut out for this, Hera. There has to be better for the job, especially here. But I can't turn her away."

"Because you're a good person." Hera shook her head. "Besides, I've heard your feelings about Master Skywalker. Would you really think he's the better one to teach her what being a Jedi is all about?"

She gave him a wry smile. "And before you say it, just because your practice may not be perfect, that doesn't mean you don't know how."

Kanan opened his mouth. And then shut it. And then sighed.

"I mean, I still had a lot to learn, Hera."

Which wasn't entirely a disagreement.

"If she were to go to him for training, I couldn't in good conscience tell her not to. I wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

"Of course you wouldn't," Hera said. "But you would - and can - still be there for her, for when she needs to learn less about technique and more about principle. Isn't that just as important?"

Kanan blew out a soft laugh.

"Sure, Hera. I'm definitely the poster-boy for having the Jedi principles down pat."

Hera made a fist and bapped his hand. "You're the poster boy for knowing what they are and working toward them. If you were perfect without working at it, how would you teach someone else to do the work? Besides, that's not what I meant. You're a good person, Kanan. You can give her a good example just by being you."

Kanan wrinkled his nose, but didn't really protest that answer as he reached a hand up to rub at his head.

C'mon, hair. You were so close to being long enough to pull back now that he was tempted to try anyway.

Which was a distraction, and he knew it.

"I..." A sigh. "I suppose there's that. I guess I just..." He struggled for a moment for the right words. "... What if I'm not that good? What if I'm not the great example you think I am?"

Hera raised an eyebrow at him. "Kanan Jarrus," she said firmly, "are you questioning my judgment?"

"Um," was Kanan's reply.

Mostly because he really hadn't seen that question coming, no.

"Do you think I just decided you were a good person on a whim?" Hera asked. "Or that I don't know what good people and bad people are like?"

You could do this math, Kanan.

"Hey, you did spend your first day or so of knowing me totally buying that roustabout sleemo act," Kanan pointed out. "... Ah, memories."

Was he leaning into that act a little now mostly just because it was an old, familiar safe place?

Kinda.

"You spent the first few days of knowing me still trying to believe it yourself," Hera retorted. "But I think I know you better now."

She crossed her arms. "Go on, deny it."

There was a pause, and then Kanan was sighing and slumping a little.

"I'm too tired right now to put that kind of energy into a blatant lie," he decided.

Hera wrapped an arm around him. "You'll just have to accept you're a good person, then. Which doesn't mean you're not allowed to have bad days, but does mean people are here for you just like you're here for us." She poked him in the side with one lek. "So tell us what's going on and let us be, please?"

"You know, I've been on my own for so long, I forget that's an option," Kanan noted, squirming a little at that poke, but managing a small smile in response to it. "Talking."

How did that even work.

"Don't worry," Hera said a little smugly, "I'll keep reminding you."

"My hero," Kanan replied, a little wryly.

Which of course he followed up with nothing by way of talking at all.

He did say he was bad at this.

Hera waited.

And eventually poked him again. "It usually starts with opening your mouth."

Was it a little too forward for Kanan to groan and bury his face in her shoulder for a moment? Because that was what he was doing, here.

"Right."

This part was still hard, dammit.

"What I was circling around to was that I lost my footing this month, Hera," he finally managed. "World after world of bad feelings and the Dark Side running wild, and then being faced with Rey vanishing and coming back again holding a broken lightsaber and admitting she's strong in the Force. Being walked to more-or-less certain death by clones, not even for the first time in my life... I spent the last decade of my life with my back turned to all of this. And now here it is, battering me from every angle, and the doubts that any one aspect of it give to me? They feed my uncertainty about the rest."

And here Summer hadn't even told him about her plans to go to Coruscant yet.

"What if I'm not strong enough against the Dark, if I'm this tired now? What if I train Rey, only for her to end up dead just like everybody else? Being a good person doesn't save you from whatever the Clone-equivalent-of-the-week is in the First Order. It sure as hell didn't help the Jedi." It was easy to lay out these points in an almost clinical way. He had to. If he let even a scrap of emotion in while he did, he'd crack. "I can't teach her to hide, Hera. And that's the one thing I've learned to do best."

This was also much easier than talking more candidly about the complicated mess of emotions that came when realizing that Caleb Dume was about to die a second time, lightsaber in hand whether he wanted it to be or not, by Clones who would, eventually, be able to turn around and say that it wasn't their fault. They were brainwashed.

Chips in their heads.

They didn't mean to...

Forward or not, Hera was just going to pat him on the shoulder and wrap an arm around him.

"If Rey doesn't make it, it won't be for lack of her or you or anybody else trying," she said. "There's never any guarantees, but all we can do is our best. You be there for her, and I'll be there for you. We take care of each other. Try to sort things out one at a time, if they'll let us."

"One at a time," Kanan agreed quietly, leaning against her and showing no signs of pulling away. "I... might not be at top form right away. But that won't be for lack of trying."

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