MCA #3, Thursday Night

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan had been doing... impressively well, all things considered. Trip to Coruscant, re-treading old trauma, wrapping his head around the possibility of actually continuing his training.

Staying up all hours of the night, afraid to close his eyes.

Okay. Some things weren't going as well as others. Tonight was one of those nights, Kanan laying on the flat of his back, staring up at the ceiling. Sleep seemed to be evading him, taking a back seat to the shadows in his head, instead. And for not the first time this month, he tried to ignore it for as long as he could, tried to center himself, push beyond the pain so that he could at least get some rest, whether it would ultimately be restful or not.

However, after a good, long while of just sitting with his own thoughts tonight, he did something he hadn't done before.

"Hera...? You awake?"

[OOC: For one!]

Comments

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan was quiet again for a few more moments, and then he nodded.

Okay.

Get it off his chest.

"They were my family," he said, finally. "They weren't just my teachers and my classmates. They were everything I knew. And then they were nothing. Blood spilled across the galaxy. Lightsabers burning on the temple steps."

[futurespacemom]

Hera squeezed her eyes shut and hugged Kanan tight, just letting him talk.

[uncertain_dume]

"The first thing I actually did after the Purge was try to go home," Kanan murmured. "Stole a ship and made it all the way to Coruscant's orbit before I got a message warning every Jedi away. I kept the message. It's the last piece of evidence I'd seen of another possible survivor back home."

[futurespacemom]

"Did you ever find them?" Hera asked in a hushed voice. She knew what the answer probably had to be.

[uncertain_dume]

"Of course not," Kanan replied, closing his eyes tightly and shaking his head. He swallowed. His next few words came out a little more choked with emotion than anything she'd probably ever heard him say before. "Not back home. There have been Jedi here, but never, ever anyone back home."

[futurespacemom]

"Did..." Hera took a deep breath and blew it out. "Did you want to try looking? There are always rumors. Even if most of them are false...maybe."

[uncertain_dume]

"I don't know," Kanan admitted quietly. "If there are rumors, we're not the only ones who are going to go chase them. And if we get caught following them, sooner or later somebody is going to notice."

There was a horrifying thought; the possibility that he'd be the one to lead the Empire toward another survivor to slaughter.

[futurespacemom]

Hera nodded. "Yeah. But I had to ask. It just seems like...you can't be the only one. I don't know if that's hope or the odds or just blind faith talking, though."

[uncertain_dume]

"It's not completely blind," Kanan murmured. "Between all the other Jedi we've seen here, maybe there is a chance. I'm just hesitant to let myself hope."

Because if they were alive here, years before the point in the timleine that Kanan was at now, but dead back home...

[futurespacemom]

"I can't say I blame you," Hera said. He'd gotten wounded badly already. To have hope and have it taken away...

"We'll keep an eye out," she decided. "No searching, but - open eyes and open ears."

[uncertain_dume]

"Open eyes and open ears," Kanan replied softly. "And in the meantime, I guess I... work my way back to what I used to be. Maybe become more than that, someday."

A thought which still rattled him, honestly. But he was warming up to it.

[futurespacemom]

Hera smiled. "I think you'll be great at it. And if you ever need a voice of reason, I'm right here."

[uncertain_dume]

"Heh. You know I always need one of those," Kanan replied, smiling wryly. "But thank you, Hera. Who knows where I would be right now without you?"

... Honestly, probably dead in the ruins of Cynda somewhere.

[futurespacemom]

"It doesn't bear thinking. I don't think I'd be anywhere good without you, either." Honestly, probably also dead in the ruins of Cynda, or in an Imperial prison.

[uncertain_dume]

Wasn't that a horrifying what-if that Kanan was never letting himself think about again?

He was quiet for a few seconds anyway.

And then said, "I think I'm going to do it. Take Master Mical up on his standing invitation. Spend more time on Coruscant."

It was going to kark him right the hell up. But it was important.

[futurespacemom]

Hera gave that the thought it deserved before eventually saying, "For what it's worth, I think that's a good idea. And you know I'll always be here for you, right? Or even there, if you need me."

[uncertain_dume]

"I very well might," Kanan murmured, sighing and leaning forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Thank you, Hera. I needed this."

It wasn't the screaming and violent catharsis that he'd thought he needed. Hell, it wasn't even a good cry. But talking to Hera had a funny way of putting his mind at peace all the same.

It had been good.

[futurespacemom]

Hera blinked a little in surprise at that kiss, but smiled and set her head on his shoulder. "You're welcome any time."