MCA #3, Thursday Night

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan had been doing... impressively well, all things considered. Trip to Coruscant, re-treading old trauma, wrapping his head around the possibility of actually continuing his training.

Staying up all hours of the night, afraid to close his eyes.

Okay. Some things weren't going as well as others. Tonight was one of those nights, Kanan laying on the flat of his back, staring up at the ceiling. Sleep seemed to be evading him, taking a back seat to the shadows in his head, instead. And for not the first time this month, he tried to ignore it for as long as he could, tried to center himself, push beyond the pain so that he could at least get some rest, whether it would ultimately be restful or not.

However, after a good, long while of just sitting with his own thoughts tonight, he did something he hadn't done before.

"Hera...? You awake?"

[OOC: For one!]

Comments

[futurespacemom]

She hadn't been, but she was used to waking at the sound of her name. "Kanan? Everything okay?"

[uncertain_dume]

"Yeah." A pause. "No." Another pause. "Maybe. Can't sleep."

He frowned up at the ceiling. Well, good. Now that he'd given every possible answer to that question...

[futurespacemom]

Fortunately, Hera spoke 'Kanan'.

She rolled over and put her head on her hand, looking down at his face. "So, pretty much the same as the last few weeks?" She gave him a wry smile.

[uncertain_dume]

He glanced her way, the corner of his mouth pulling in a wry twist of a smile.

"Noticed that, huh?"

Dammit.

[futurespacemom]

"You're more still when you're not asleep," Hera answered. "You've seemed a bit more...frustrated lately, too."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan managed the smallest quirk of a smile at that. Leave it to Hera to notice those things.

"I've... uh. I've had some things on my mind. Since a few weeks ago." He rolled over onto his side to better look at her. "Since I went to Coruscant. It's been hard to let go of."

[futurespacemom]

"I'm not surprised." Hera put a hand on his. "That must have been..." Scary? Exciting? She shook her head. "...huge."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan swallowed heavily, falling silent for a long moment before venturing, quietly, "Huge, yeah. I kept seeing--"

He tapered off, falling silent, letting that thought hang.

And then he pulled in another breath.

"I don't think I've ever talked about... when it happened. Before. With you."

[futurespacemom]

"No, you haven't." Hera hesitated. "Do you want to? You know you don't have to."

[uncertain_dume]

"I think maybe I do need to," Kanan said quietly. "I think it's something that's followed me for ten years, and I never really took the time to... face it. It's been bleeding for a long while."

[futurespacemom]

"Not surprising." Hera shook her head. "I don't think a wound like that ever really heals. And it's not like you could just go to someone and ask for advice."

She put her head back down on the pillow so they were facing each other. "I don't know if I can give any, either, but I'm here now if you need to talk it out."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan nodded. Closed his eyes and just took a moment to breathe.

"I'm not sure if this is something that advice can help with," he admitted, "but if anybody has any to give, it's yours I want to hear."

He opened his eyes again and looked at her thoughtfully for a few seconds more.

"Asking for advice wasn't an option. Neither was getting it off my chest. Neither was looking for sympathy, or a friendly ear. So when I come across friendly ears nowadays, figuring out... where the line belongs... is hard. Or figuring out when there should even be one."

[futurespacemom]

Hera nodded back. "That part, I know. It's just one of the reasons I'm happy to have you along. It's a hard road to be on alone."

She shook her head. "You've been even more alone. Don't worry about lines. The line here is wherever you want it to be."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan was silent for a long moment, thinking that over. Mulling on it. Trying to pick out what he was ready to share, and what he had been running from since forever, what he had simply convinced himself he never could.

"I saw," he said, his voice dropping low. His tone getting heavier. He pulled in a slow breath. "When it happened. Across the galaxy. I saw. I felt it, and I saw."

[futurespacemom]

"All of it?" Hera couldn't quite keep the horror from her voice. She'd known on some level that the Jedi were connected, but that, especially for a boy, seemed catastrophic.

[uncertain_dume]

"Much of it," Kanan replied quietly. "Enough of it. My Master had taken me by the arm, before her own troopers turned on us, and I just... saw. Everywhere, across the galaxy, Jedi being cut down by the army we'd served alongside. Clones, murdering their commanders."

Master Plo Koon. Master Aayla Secura. Master Ki-Adi-Mundi, one by one and all at once, flooding into his awareness and then gone.

He blew out a little breath. Swallowed.

"Never really dealt with that. Never really knew how."

[futurespacemom]

"How could you have?" Hera scooted even closer, leaning her head against his. "That's not something that anyone should have to deal with, and it's not like anyone else ever had."

[uncertain_dume]

"Yeah," Kanan said vaguely, closing his eyes, sighing, leaning into that contact.

That was nice. Her warmth, right there, tangible. Comforting. It would be a shame to lean away, later.

"Saw it all over again the other week. Couldn't get away from it. Once Master Mical started calling me Padawan, once I set foot in the temple again, trying to keep my distance was a lost cause."

[futurespacemom]

"Oh, Kanan." Hera wasn't going to make him lean away any time soon. She couldn't really think of anything to say, so she was just going to be there for him.

[uncertain_dume]

"Kept taking wrong turns," he muttered softly. "Kept heading to places I remembered, not the places I knew were there. The only thing worse than wondering where everybody had gone was the remembering. And I never... never dealt with that. I'm still working my way up to accepting that I'm allowed to."

Words were hard. It felt like fingers were closing around his throat and his lungs, trying to crush his attempts at speaking away.

"I'm allowed to feel it now. It's safe. And I don't even know how."

[futurespacemom]

"There's no right or wrong way to feel things," Hera said. "You just do. You already are. Just because it's overwhelming doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It wouldn't hurt like this if you weren't feeling it."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan breathed out a breath that came out maybe a bit more ragged than he would have liked.

Not doing it wrong.

No right or wrong way...

He reached a hand up for hers and nodded his head, just slightly.

"Feels like the ground keeps crumbling underfoot," he muttered. "I wish that would stop, already."

[futurespacemom]

Hera held his hand. And maybe draped her lekku over the pillow to cradle his head, hush.

"All you can do is build it up again." She paused. "I don't know much about how Jedi do things, but could you try meditating?" She tried to remember how Master Kiwiiks did things, that one weekend. "Just...acknowledge it and let it go, isn't that how it goes?"

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan swallowed at that. It was... it was very Jedi advice. He appreciated it. Hell, maybe he needed to hear it.

Acknowledge it.

"Haven't been very good at acknowledging it," he allowed. "Just getting to that point, letting myself recognize pain, has been..." He frowned. Exhaled again. "I'm afraid."

Afraid that recognizing his scars would open floodgates that he couldn't just let go of.

[futurespacemom]

"I'd be more worried if you weren't," Hera said. "But you're safe now, if you want to try."